tomoatmeal:

He was the birthday boy and if he wanted to put his head in the cotton candy machine so that it would swirl the candy directly onto his face like a beard, then by god, these fucking yokels were going to step aside and let it happen. 

The boy’s father made it clear to the park manager that he possessed both the political ties and the ego to ruin him and his stupid theme park for anything less than total compliance.  The park manager took this information over to the machine operator and after some back and forth between the two men, the boy’s request was granted.

He popped his head into the machine and as it started spinning, he squealed with delight.

“Hurray!” he shouted.  “It tickles!”

But something went wrong.  The candy began swirling, faster and faster until the boy’s head was completely engulfed in a mass of pink cotton candy.

“Turn it off!” screamed the boy’s father.

The machine operator jerked the lever so hard that it broke off into his hand.  Smoke poured out the sides, but the machine continued to spin.  Using everything he had left, the boy pushed himself out of the machine and ran away, his cries muffled by the cotton candy shell covering his head.

Finally, his screams ceased and he fell to the ground.  Onlookers ran up and began pulling the chunks of cotton candy off of the boy’s head, but it was too late.  The candy had eaten through all of the tissue, leaving nothing but an exposed, melted skull.

The good news is that because the lever broke off, the machine was still pumping out cotton candy, so it wasn’t like we had been waiting in that long line for nothing.

Minus The Bear

{The Canopy Club–Urbana, Illinois}

11 December 2010

Bus Ride

Victory Shoes

 So the University decided that we don’t need heat even though it’s clearly snowing outside. And I’m pretty sure its required by law to provide heat…

 Should we:

A.) Submit a formal complaint and wait for them to turn the heat on (Aw, what nice little lambs College students can be! Adorable!)

B.) Orgy!!!! (To keep warm of course! [Ladies, my door is open… Seriously…])

C.) Burn the room furniture: I’m sure, since the wood predates the Victorian age, that it would make great kindling. Please pass the axe. And the marshmallows.

D.) Organize a coup to overthrow the Housing Administration and instate someone who knows at  least a little about keeping people comfortable. Like the good folks at the Four Seasons. Hell, we’ll even take the folks who run the Federal Pen, they have a good résumé… 

E.) Wrap myself in layers of jackets, blankets, sweaters, roommates, etc. and wait it out till the end of the semester…

Best Seats in the House!

{Interviewer:} So, tell me Michael… What’s worse? A zombie stampede. Or a hobo stampede?

{Michael:} Well to tell you the truth it comes down to what repulses you the most. For example, I hate hobos. Plain and simple. I just can’t handle them. Especially after a deranged hobo gave me a wet willy on an airport transfer bus. I didn’t see him coming and no one else could. These things just happen so fast… You’ve got no choice but to prepare yourself for the unexpected.

{Interviewer:} What would be easier to clean up?

{Michael:} Definitely the hobo stampede. You just mow them down and no one cares! Now, you mow a zombie horde down and you’ve got a major headache coming your way. Religious leaders, next of kin, friends of the deceased, neighbors, etc. These are the people who will complain, they’ll say its a lack of respect for the dead, a violation of religious freedoms, or a desecration of what might be considered scared. I’ll tell you, it can get pretty hairy. I’d much rather deal with hobos. Nobody cares what happens to them.

{Interviewer:} Well that’s all the time we have! Thank you for your time Michael!

So there you have folks, Michael Dodson, director of FEMA, on Hobo and Zombie eradication. Perhaps a bit irrational, but none the less a prepared man. Next week, surfer Eli Hazel shares with us his story about being prepared against robot sharks. Until then be prepared and never underestimate fear! Good night.